Top 5 NFL Coaches Who I Think Would Own a Boat.
First off, let’s get this out of the way — yes, these guys are NFL head coaches. They absolutely have boat money. Hell, most of them could buy a whole fleet and not even notice a dent in their bank account. But, this isn’t about financials — this is about vibes. We’re going strictly off first impressions, appearances, and whether a guy just looks like he knows his way around a bass boat cooler.
Sure, coaching in a coastal or lakeside city might give some of these guys a leg up (lookin’ at you, Carolina, Miami, Detroit, San Fran, Seattle…), but at the end of the day, it all comes down to one thing: boat guy energy. We're talkin’ about the kind of guy you can picture absolutely crushin’ a case of domestic beer on a beat-up pontoon while flinging a lure into the Atlantic with his boys.
Let’s kick things off with my number one slot — and honestly, this was the easiest decision I’ve ever made. This man is the walking, talking embodiment of every boat guy stereotype I’ve ever cooked up in my brain. He lives near some of the largest lakes in the country, definitely isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, and probably smells faintly of engine oil and fish guts in the best way possible.
The undisputed, unanimous No. 1 boat guy? Dan mother fuckin’ Campbell.
Credit: Paul Sancya | AP Photo
I can already see Coach Campbell shotgunning a beer, swan-diving off the bow, and resurfacing with a massive fish clenched between his teeth. He oozes old pontoon energy. No doubt he’s out there on some crusty, half-rusted pontoon with monster speakers blasting Nirvana, Metallica, or whatever gets his veins pumping.
Just pure grit. The kind of guy who, when the boat breaks down, doesn’t panic — just mutters “F*** it, I’m swimming,” and starts power-stroking toward shore.
Coming in at No. 2 — and I’ll be honest here — I don’t have a ton of logic behind this one. It’s just a feeling. A gut instinct. This man radiates beer-on-a-boat energy. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen too many clips of him at the Super Bowl boat party, but either way… second place goes to Andy Reid.
Credit: Peter Aiken | Getty Images
I don’t know what it is, but I can absolutely picture Big Red out on the water with his shirt halfway unbuttoned, sunscreen streaks still visible on his arms, rockin’ one of those massive wide-brimmed sun hats. No stress, no urgency — just pure vibes.
I couldn’t tell you what lake is near Kansas City, and honestly, it doesn’t matter. This one isn’t about geography. This one is about spirit.
Number 3 might be your quintessential boat guy look. Even when he’s on the sidelines, he just seems adjacent to water at all times. This guy used to coach down by the bayou, and when he packed up for Denver? You better believe that boat came with him, probably on a custom trailer hitched to a lifted Yukon with Saints plates he refuses to swap out.
No. 3 goes to none other than Sean Payton.
Credit: Jonathan Daniel | Getty Images
When you wear a visor that often, for that many years, you’re practically dripping with boat guy pheromones. Just picture one of those bougie Denver lakes with a seven-figure speedboat ripping across the surface, and zoom in: tan skin, Oakley baseball sunglasses, and Sean Payton with that visor that I’m now fully convinced is fused to his skull. He's probably blasting classic rock and yelling over the engine about how Drew Brees could still play today.
Just elite boat guy energy.
Time for number 4. Honestly, this guy could’ve been higher on the list — but I had to dock him a few spots strictly due to his overwhelming pickleball energy. Boat guy? Absolutely. But he’s also one step away from challenging strangers to doubles.
Number 4 is Pete Carroll.
Credit: NFL on CBS
Side note: did you know Pete Carroll is almost 75 years old? Not only is he still coaching in the NFL, but he’s doing it with the Las Vegas Raiders. The man is basically aging in reverse and now operates in a city built on blackjack tables and bad decisions.
Onto his boating lifestyle. You know he’s on a calm lake. Chill pontoon. He’s rockin’ the velcro sandals, maybe a quarter-zip, transition lenses, and just vibing to Frank Sinatra with a cooler of something classy. No loudspeakers. No wild crew. Just peace, sun, and maybe the occasional deep thought about Cover 3 principles.
The man knows how to live.
Last — but absolutely, unequivocally — not least: Number 5 enters an entirely different class of boat guy. We’re talkin’ sleek aviator sunglasses. Tight V-neck and just too much hair gel. Our last slot goes to none other than Sean McVay.
Credit: Marcio Jose Sanchez | AP Photo
McVay isn’t rolling up in a pontoon with some folding chairs and a sixer — no, no. He’s got a 7-figure speedboat, custom upholstery, and probably a bottle service setup built into the dash. Just full-blown young gun NFL money on water.
And the playlist? I’d bet good money it’s some deep-cut Lil Baby track or an unreleased Kendrick Lamar leak. Dude definitely has Bluetooth that connects automatically and a cooler stocked with overpriced energy drinks and tequila sodas. Maybe I’m totally off here. Maybe he secretly prefers country and flip flops. But the vibes? The LA boat guy energy is just too strong to ignore.
To reiterate — yes, I’m sure all of these guys have boats. But these five? These are the certified Boat Guys of the NFL. If any of them feel misrepresented in their boating lifestyle or are offended by their ranking, I’d be more than happy to come visit and do some first-hand investigative journalism… you know, strictly for accuracy.
Thanks for reading — and don’t @ me unless you’ve personally captained a pontoon in jean shorts.
